Book Excerpt:
“So are we really in the North Pole?” Hugo asks.
“I thought we’d established that,” Navi says.
“Wait, if we’re really in the North Pole, are
there…” Emily pauses. “Are there polar bears here?”
Tinsel laughs. “It’s not the polar bears you have to
watch out for around here, it’s the zombies. The weather outside Santa’s snow
globe is uninhabitable to anything living. Hence, the zombies.”
“Wait…,” Luke starts. “This is a joke, right? You
are winding us up?”
“Elves can’t tell lies,” Tinsel reminds him. “It’s
quite true. There may be the odd polar bear or two outside, yes, but there are
definitely zombies. They come up here to live because humans are so unaccepting
of them in your world. Don’t worry though. They can’t come inside the snow
globe, so as long as you’re in here, you’re safe.”
“What about the polar bears?” Emily asks. “Can they
come inside?”
“Only if they’re very clever,” Navidad jokes.
“Oh nooo,” Emily squeals. “I hate polar bears.”
“Seriously? You’re worried about polar bears when
they’re telling us there are zombies around?” Luke looks at her incredulously.
“I’m not scared of zombies,” Emily tells him. “I
know what to do about them. I told you, I’ve been taking a class. Polar bears
are creepy though.”
“Don’t the bears eat the zombies?” Hugo asks.
“The zombies have learnt not to go near the polar
bears. Even zombies can be smart when they watch others getting their heads
bitten off.”
“Eurgh,” Emily says.
“Wait, is everyone just accepting this? We’re in a
giant snow globe surrounded by zombies and nobody thinks this is even slightly
unusual?” I ask.
“I don’t know of any other explanation,” Hugo says.
“But zombies don’t exist,” I say. “They’re just made
up for horror movies.”
“But elves and the North Pole don’t really exist
either,” Emily says. “And yet we’re looking at them.”
“I still think someone drugged my drink when I
wasn’t looking,” Joe says.
“Do the zombies try to get in?” Hugo asks.
“Generally no, they’re quite calm zombies. I think
the sound of our bells soothes them. They occasionally get a bee in their
bonnet about something and start hurling themselves at the glass, but I assure
you all it’s completely shatterproof.”
“Well, that’s comforting,” I mutter.
“Where is this glass?” Luke asks. “Can we see it?
Because I find it really difficult to believe that you all live inside a snow
globe.”
“It’s just a giant glass dome. We thought you might
prefer to think of it as a snow globe.”
“As opposed to what? Prison walls?”
“Now, don’t be like that, Mr Wyatt. We’ll show you
everything, if you could all stop arguing for five minutes.”
“Does it ever stop snowing?” Hugo asks as he looks
up at the sky.
“Not at this time of year. It’s the North Pole,”
Tinsel says.
“And we’re inside a snow globe. Duh,” Joe adds.
Everyone is quiet as we follow the elves down the
street. Even I have to admit it’s very pretty here. Snow, elves, sparkling
lights, even the low sound of bells isn’t bothering me as much as I thought it
would.
“Don’t worry, you’ll find your way around in no
time. It’s a very small village. And the rest of the elves are always friendly,
so don’t be scared to ask anyone for directions.”
“Don’t you have grumpy elves? How come the elves are
always friendly?”
“Because they’re happy, Hugo. You might not think
so, but Christmas makes people happy and we elves have Christmas cheer all year
round.”
I fight the urge to make puking noises.
“That’s where the stables are.” Tinsel points out a
little path on our left. “We love the reindeer, but we do have to house them a
little bit further away than we’d like because they’re smelly creatures,
really.”
“Smellier than you’d think,” Navi jokes. “People
hear ‘Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer’ and think how great Rudolph is and how cute
his red nose is, but they don’t stop to think about how smelly his stable gets.
The others too. I don’t know what we feed Comet and Blitzen, but personally I
think we should stop.”
Emily laughs at that.
“And this is the factory where all the toys are made.
Things are always busy in there as we have such a big order on such a close
deadline. The elves work hard, but they always seem to be in a panic the closer
it gets to Christmas. We’ve never failed an order yet and we don’t intend to
start now.”
Walking further on, Tinsel points out the post
office. They have a whole building and a team of elves dedicated to sorting and
sending mail.
“And that building over there is the N and N
headquarters.”
“What’s N and N?” Luke asks and receives a look like
he’s the stupidest person in the world from Tinsel.
“Naughty and Nice. That’s where they read the case
files and divide the list into naughty and nice children,” she tells us.
“And check it twice,” Navi adds.
“What happens to the naughty ones?” I ask.
“Lump of coal in the stocking, obviously. Although
to be honest, this Santa is being much harsher this year. We are finding
ourselves with more naughty children than ever before.”
“Which makes the whole N and N Intelligence system,
which we work so hard to run, completely invalid. We keep trying to have words
with him, but this Santa is nothing if not stubborn,” Tinsel says. “And that
there is the—”
“Wait,” Luke interrupts. “Twice now you’ve said
‘this Santa’. Is Santa not the same all the time? Does he change?”
“You will learn, dear boy, you will learn,” Navi
tells him cryptically.
“The two buildings to our right here, one is the
packaging factory because the toys don’t package themselves, you know. The
other building is top secret.”
“Can we go in?” Hugo asks.
“Not yet. Once you have been here a while you will
be able to watch the training, but it is simply not viable for any of you to
participate. It’s a system that requires elves with speed and great talent.”
“What is it?”
“It’s the black-ops.” Despite Tinsel casting him a
look, Navi continues, “We may as well tell them, my love, they’re going to find
out anyway.”
She huffs and looks away.
“They’re a secret team,” Navi says. “Like ninjas,
but better. They spend all year training for just one night—Christmas Eve. They
are the black-ops elf team for chimney-related emergencies.”
“What the hell is a chimney-related emergency?” Luke
asks.
I can’t help giggling. “Do you mean if Santa gets
stuck in a chimney?”
They nod.
“Does he get stuck in a lot of chimneys?” I can’t
hide the laughter that comes out at the very thought.
“It depends on how many cookies and glasses of milk
he consumes on the run. We elves might have a certain amount of magic, but we
can’t speed up his digestion, unfortunately.”
Everyone giggles except for Emily.
“Digestion is no laughing matter,” she says
disapprovingly. Then she starts looking around like
she’s freaked out. “Did you hear a quack?”
That only serves to make the rest of us laugh even
more.
